I'm Tired, I'm Tired, I'm So Damn Tired

To say that I am emotionally and physically drained would be an understatement. What a week. It all started on Saturday when I went to see Mema in the nursing home. There she was -- all fragile and old. I couldn't take it. I cried the rest of the day. Sunday was no better. I wasn't going to see her because I didn't feel too good. However, she was going to be all alone the night of the Super Bowl. She told mom she was just watching the game by herself. I could not sit around and be happy knowing she was there alone in a crappy nursing home while everyone in the world is having a great time. So what did I do? I grabbed my keys and purse and took off. When she saw me in her room, she screamed, "Christy!" It was so worth it. Since she has remarried, we have never had alone time again. I sat in that room until almost 9:00 p.m. (come to find out that visitors are suppose to leave at 8:00 p.m. Oops!). We talked and laughed. It was so great. Well, it was bittersweet. It was amazing to see her, but very depressing. I didn't realize how old she's gotten. I wanted to yell, "Get up, Mema! You can walk!" But she can't. It's heartbreaking. I want her to be like she used to be. I should have cherished all the moments more.

I went and saw her again last night after jogging at the Botanical Gardens. I stayed until I knew she was all ready for bed. Once I got home about 8:00 p.m., I did nothing but cry. I cried while grilling dinner, I had a melt-down during dinner, cried after dinner, cried in the hottub. Needless to say, I look like ass today.

There is one good thing that happened! The doctors cleared her to leave that hell-hole and live with mom and dad until she and Fred can get moved in to a permanent nursing home. I won't have to worry about her being in that place all alone all day. I am very happy. For at least the next week, she will be a couple of minutes from me!!! Fred breaking his hip has been a blessing in disguise -- I've gotten closer to mema.

So, now I've gotta suck these tears up and cherish everyday I have with her.