One of the biggest things I deal with is my fear of something else happening to my parents. I've always worried about my dad having a heartattack because he was overweight and he grew up eating fried chicken, biscuits, and gravy. Mom always assured me that they were both healthy and dad's heart was in good condition.
Little did we know that he would suffer a heartattack on September 8, 2009 and come so close to dying. I'm telling you, I still relive that day over and over in my head and I've got to stop. I break down and cry at least once a day thinking about how he looked while he was fighting for his life in the ER, and I'll never forget how he looked hooked up to the million machines keeping him alive while he was in the coma. It has really phased me.
Because of my anxiety, I started seeing a therapist in January, and he is just amazing. I discussed my issues I'm having with him yesterday. We talked about the cycle of life and how that one day will come when we all have to lose our parents. It's hard to think about.
It's hard seeing dad right now. He was always so independent, burly, strong, hard-working, providing, and outgoing. After his heartattack that led to his brain injury, he is different. He still can't speak very clearly, can't drive a car, has to be watched almost 24 hours a day, and is still off on his coordination. It's heartbreaking to see him now after seeing how he was just last year. I think I'm maybe a little bitter that my kids won't know the man that I grew up with.
But you know what, I am so very thankful. My dad is alive. My kids will know him. And I need to look at if differently -- at least my kids will always know him like this. My niece and nephew had to see him change, and I know it has affected them deeply. At least my kids will fall inlove with the way he is now.
I thought that maybe after a year, I wouldn't panic when mom calls me too late or too early. I thought I would be over that constant fear of getting that one phone call. It hasn't gotten easier. In fact, mom and dad went to the neurologist this morning to get the results of a cat scan he had done last week. He's been vomiting at least once a week for no reason. The neurologist saw something on the cat scan that made him question a couple of things. The dr said he could maybe have had a couple mini strokes during his heartattack, he could have had a couple mini strokes recently, or he could be having mini seizures, or it could be nothing at all. He said not to worry, they are gonna monitor him, and this sickness once a week might just be something we have to live with. That is all fine with us. I just pray that it isn't anything serious.
I thank God daily for my family. I never really took my parents for granted, but I could've shown them more how much I truly love them. Now I don't go a day without telling them how wonderful and special they are.
I look back on the times when I was a teenager, and they would sometimes embarrass me and piss me off. I used to get so mad at them, and I thought they were so uncool. I can't imagine how it hurt them when I was so mean to them (thanks to the teenage hormones). I think about how much I love Baby Wes already and he isn't even born, yet! I can't even think about how bad it will break my heart when he doesn't have time for me anymore or maybe hates me at one point. Knowing how much I love my unborn child really makes me even more thankful for my parents.
On a happier note, I went to the grocery store yesterday and loaded up on some good stuff for lunch and snacks. I bought some honeycrisp apples for the first time, and oh my goodness are they delicious!
Tonight after work, I'm going for a slow run, and I am so looking forward to it. I'm gonna cook a good, hearty, healthy dinner and then snuggle up with Wesley and watch the Biggest Loser. Now I just have to decide if I want chicken or salmon for dinner...
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