Last night was really hard. All the firefighters from Wesley's station and the wives all met up at the captain's house last night to talk about Michael's passing. It really started to sink in then. I've just been in this tremendous state of shock so far.
It was so amazing to see everyone come together to support one another like a family. After some of the stories the firefighters told about his time at the station, I almost lost it. When Wesley and I got home, I couldn't leave his side. I just wanted to hold him and cry. I can't imagine what Michael's wife is going through right now. Thursday is going to be hard for me at the funeral. Michael was such a wonderful guy and a wonderful father. When they present his wife with his helmet, it's going to really hit me. I've lost a crazy amount of close ones in the last few years. One to murder, two to car accidents, one to motorcyle accidents, one to a drowning, one to a 4-wheeler accident, etc. You would think I could take death easier now, but it just gets harder. I've started having panic attacks because of it. I now take anti-anxiety medicine, and it doesn't really help. On top of everything, seeing my mema go downhill fast is absolutely taking a toll on me.
This should be even more motivation to go running. I know it would help me relieve all the stress and sadness, but I just can't make myself take that step out the door. My plan for tonight is to take a long walk with my dog. I know once I start walking, that walk will probably turn into a jog. I'm meeting another firefighter wife at the mall after work to look for something to wear to the funeral. After that, I'm going home to walk and spend some much needed alone time.
I'm gonna keep on keepin' on...
1 comment:
I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of what sounds like a very wonderful man.
I like you have experienced the passing of many famiy members and friends, young, and old. And you are right...it doesn't get any easier. I've struggled with the why's, why them, why now, so young, etc. etc. The hard part is that even if we were given the answer to those questions, it still wouldn't be satisfying enough.
I'm sorry to hear that you struggle with panic attacks, especially at a time like this. Can't make it any easier. I don't mean to push, and please don't take offense but have you ever considered actually talking to someone (i.e. counseler) about it?
I'll be thinking of you and your dear husband during this time. Hold tight to one another!
And that's right girl...you just keep on keepin' on!
Hugs!!!!
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