Turn for the Worse

Right after work I went to see Mema at the hospital. I got there about 5:30 p.m. My mom and dad had just gotten there about 15 minutes before I did. As soon as my parents got there, the doctor came in with the news. Mema obviously had a severe stroke, but we also learned that she has lung cancer. With the rate she's going, she will not be around my longer.

She will no longer be able to be in a wheelchair, but will be in bed all day. Her mind is gone. She was hallucinating. From what I could understand, she was picking spiders off of me. At one point she started shaking and said she was falling.

Mom and dad left so mom could go home, shower, and get more clothes so she could stay overnight with Mema again. I had a chance to spend about an hour alone with her. I just sat on her bed, held her hand, and cried. She would just look at me with this blank stare like she was trying to figure out who I was and where she was.

I know this is all I talk about, but she practically raised me, and this is the hardest thing I've ever been through. I always pictured her taking care of my children and spoiling them like she did me. Now she will never know them, but I will make sure my children know everything about her.

To tell you the truth, I could give a crap if I workout or not, and I could give a crap about what I eat. My back still hurts like hell, and I'm still trying to figure out how I pulled a muscle. Now my neck hurts, and my antiobiotics do not seem to be working, but I still feel as sick as I did two days ago.

I know...I know...I'm throwing myself one hell of a pity party, but I just don't care.

Upside -- thank the good Lord it is Friday. I plan to go home, maybe throw some chicken on the grill, drink beer, and sleep late tomorrow. If I spill one more drink on me or trip over one more thing today, I just might have a breakdown here at work.

I will tell you that even though I'm depressed right now and just don't care about anything, I keep remembering a quote I just read that I love -- "You have a choice -- you can either throw in the towel or you can use it to wipe the sweat off of your face." Maybe I need to really listen to it.